Catracho Beisbol

Unlike in Nicaragua and Cuba, baseball isn´t generally a well accepted pastime in Honduras. It turns out that not taking that revelation seriously can get dangerous.

We, the missionaries, knowing that soccer is the be-all end-all of our kids' sporting experience, put some effort into getting the kids to try out a bit of a different game a few weeks ago. We settled on softball. We started off with all of the right steps. We pulled a whole bunch of donated gloves out of the dusty back corner of some bodega, gathered up a group of finca kids, convinced them, after some arguing and checking for scorpions, to correctly place gloves on their left hands, and re-explained the basic rules of softball to them.

Basic rules:

Somebody will throw the softball to the person with the bat. The person has to hit the ball with the bat, and then run to first base. If they get there with plenty of time to spare, they can go to second base, después third, and después home. The other team is trying to prevent them from advancing by throwing the ball and/or tagging the runner out.

At this point you are almost certainly thinking, “Wow, you probably should’ve given them a bit more detail on some of those rules and added a few others.”

You are correct.

The end result of my instructions can probably be summed up in the following at-bats*:

Belkis, our resident female soccer star, steps up to the glove (home plate) as Nelsy takes on the role of pitcher. From about eight feet out, Nelsy tosses the first pitch, high and outside, and I quickly realize my first error. The person has to hit the ball with the bat while holding the bat with both hands. Belkis drops one of her hands from the bat, swings with the force of her whole body, and the entire baseball field falls silent for a moment as Nelsy’s life flashes before her eyes. Thank the good Lord Belkis missed. A short explanation later, in comes the second pitch which Belkis connects on, and the race is on. The players behind the batter duck as the bat goes flying. Nelsy picks up the ball and employs the tactic she’s familiar with from the last time she played baseball with a tennis ball and slightly different rules. Error number two. The other team is trying to prevent them from advancing by throwing the ball to (NOT at!) another player on their own team and/or tagging the runner out. She chucks the ball at Belkis with as much force as she can, the ball misses, and because there are only about three people on each team by this point¹, there is nobody on Nelsy’s team anywhere near first base any more. Belkis rounds first to head to second, third, and eventually home, as the other team scrambles in vain to recover the ball on time. 1-0.

In comes Jenny, another of the house two girls, and our chances of are looking pretty good. We’re already up one-zero and looking to extend our lead. The first pitch sails high over Jenny’s head, and although she complains, she swings and misses. The second pitch is on track to hit her until she hops out of the way. Finally the third comes in and Jenny hits the ball about seven feet into the air, nearly straight up. She ducks to avoid the ball but it falls right back down and hits her in the back anyway. The ball rolls outside of the baseline, and Jenny takes off for first. I’m going to be honest, in my defense I don't think this was really a situation in which I failed to pass on necessary instructions. I simply have no idea what would really happen there. Either way the play continues and Jenny makes it to second safely.

I step up to the plate. I jump out of the way a few times as I have to catch the ball on its way towards my body, and I have to put up with quite a bit of complaining about how I should be swinging at balls that bounce a yard in front of me and are somehow still supposed to be hittable. [Possible error number three: I could have explained strikes and balls] Finally a hittable pitch comes in and I make some contact, sending the ball skipping across the ground towards the shortstop position.

I take off, and as I round first, I quickly realize I should easily have time to make it to second, because the ball has made it into the outfield and Emily is still a decent distance away from it. Nelsy and Sigri, both on defense, quickly realize the same and take what they deem appropriate steps to mitigate the danger their team is in. Error number four: The other team is trying to prevent them from advancing by throwing the ball to another player on their own team and/or tagging the runner out while holding the ball.  Both of the girls run from their respective locations of the pitcher’s mound and the short-stop location towards second base, and attempt to prevent me from arriving at second by throwing themselves between me and the base. I successfully dodge Sigri but slam into Nelsy, just scrambling away from her grasp in time to re-orient myself and figure out where second base is now located. I touch second, the throw comes in from the outfield and flies past Nelsy towards home plate, and I head to third. My RBI stats and Nelsy’s ERA head opposite directions as Jenny easily scores. 2-0. Because it looks like I might have time if I really sprint, as I round third I make the decision to head home. Nelsy gets to said ball much quicker than I’ve expected, and naturally chooses to employ the same tactic we’ve been trying to break her of all game. I have to leap to my left and into the air as from about 6 feet away Nelsy aims directly at the center of my chest and fires off a rocket. Thank goodness nobody in Honduras normally plays any sports that involve throwing things. Her miss grants me about a second to realize that the fact that she has failed to hit me and the ball is on its way to third does not, in her eyes, mean that I’m home free. As I land from my jump and try to re-route myself towards the home-plate glove I’ve managed to lose sight of (the grass has recently turned yellow here), Nelsy seemingly forgets that she’s playing baseball and not football americano, and re-directs her movements to reflect mine. About 3 feet from the bag, Nelsy hits me full on in tackle mode, and I’m completely taken down to the ground about a foot from the home plate glove. Belkis picks up home plate and hits me in the foot with it a couple of times. 3-0.

*Disclaimer: Several of the following events are based on a true story but may have been slightly fictionalized in the sense that I’m both unsure of all of the details of who was batting when and trying to condense this down into a manageable size and therefore may be (and probably am) combining different occurrences from different at-bats into one. The last play involving me actually happened as stated. ¿Except for maybe the Jenny starting that play on second base part?

¹Two of our house five boys have already said, “This game is too boring” and walked off in the middle of being on third base and at bat, respectively. You were on third base, man. You were a runner in scoring position. Come on.

As a result of recent experiences, some of which appear above, I’ve updated the old "basic rules" to reflect some clarifications that may allow for a slightly safer and more-enjoyable baseball-like experience to be had by all. I’ve created three slightly different options, in order from least to most acceptable to the Honduran population:

Option 1: Somebody who isn’t afraid of getting hit in the face will throw the wiffle softball towards the person with the bat, not at them. The person has to hit the ball only once in any given play with the bat, and then, after carefully putting the bat down, run within the baseline to first base without complaining about the fact that their hit was ‘feo’ and therefore shouldn’t count. If they get there with plenty of time to spare and nobody between them and the next base is currently holding the baseball, they can go to second base, después third, and después home. Wherever they decide to stop, they should stay on that base until the next batter has hit the ball, and should not at any point say, “This game is dumb and boring. I’m leaving.” and walk off of the base headed for their house. The other team is trying to prevent them from advancing by throwing the ball to (NOT at!) another player on their own team and/or gently tagging the runner out while holding the ball. Moving the base towards any player on your team is not valid, nor is taking a base and turning it into your glove.

Option 2: Somebody who isn’t afraid of getting hit in the face will roll (or kick?) the kickball towards the person with the bat at the plate. The person has to hit kick the ball only once in any given play with the bat, and then run within the baseline to first base without complaining about the fact that their hit kick was ‘feo’ and therefore shouldn’t count. If they get there with plenty of time to spare and nobody between them and the next base is currently holding the baseball, they can go to second base, después third, and después home. Wherever they decide to stop, they should stay on that base until the next batter has hit  kicked the ball, and should not at any point say, “This game is dumb and boring. I’m leaving.” and walk off of the base, kick the ball in the opposite direction, and head for their house. The other team is trying to prevent them from advancing by throwing (or kicking?) the ball to (NOT at!) another player on their own team and/or gently tagging the runner out while holding the ball, and/or hitting the runner below the waist with the ball. Moving the base towards any player on your team is not valid, nor is taking a base and turning it into your glove (which you honestly shouldn’t be wearing anyway because you’re playing kickball).

Option 3: There’s one ball and two teams. Both teams have a goal marked out by those big piles of baseball gloves on opposite sides of the field. Nobody can use their hands. Go.